I feel that I have aged enough, experienced enough, and learned enough to know by now what I want in my life. As a young girl being ripped (it was a very traumatic experience for me) from my Utah home to the small town, cowboy infested, nothing-to-do-but-watch-the-wheat-grow, Idaho. I seriously felt that I was no longer allowed to have a life after we reached the Idaho border, roughly +/-15 years ago.
I was in the middle of 7th grade and terrified to make new friends. You just can't replace something like that. Luckily, as it's been with all the many moves before hand, we had our church to do that for us. That's just how it worked. Church comes with friends. And I was able to make friends with people that weren't all "hillbilly like". AND was still able to keep the ones in Utah!
When I had accepted my new surroundings in little I.F. My parents thought that it would be great to uproot us once again and move into the great farm fields of Idaho (literally! we lived on the corner of a potato/grain field)! THAT was completely unacceptable in my book and I did everything my 15 year old body could to prevent/sabotage/rebel against. Nothing.
Yes, I made friends because I continued to go to church. Luckily, this time we moved in the summer and had that time to "make friends" before school started. At least I had a shield to hide behind when the cruel judgements of high school students came spearing into me, 'the new girl'.
I built friendships that lasted even to today, but still felt like my purpose in life awaited me in a big city. How much bigger can you get than New York City!? You can't, really. So after I tossed that cap into the air, ripped that gown off (I was clothed underneath! Get those prom dress jokes outta yer head!), I hitched a plane to good ol' NYC and continued east to the center of my heart. Connecticut.
It was now my turn to be displeased, with myself, after smashing MYSELF into the wall of REALITY. I was a small town girl in a big city and eyes to match, I'm sure. People, cultures, enviroments, I only heard about in books and shows. I didn't have anyone to hide behind and no way of knowing how to make friends. Ok, yes I did. I went to church.
I can't tell you how hard it was for me to pop my comfortable bubble of security and hyperventilate in the world I now lived. How exhilerating that was! And I continued to be exhilerated for 3+ years. Those people, experiences, and emotions I gained now stay locked up, deep deep in my heart! But every spring and fall I am forced into that deep deep memory and proceed to long for that time in life which is no longer, those were my two favorite seasons of the year for that area and always will be.
Fast forward to today and I find myself ready to "settle down". And by that, I mean that the excitement of big city life and fast paced living no longer appeals to me. I will always treasure that amazing experience in the big city, but I now yearn for a small town, small house, high up in the mountains close to the stars, to live the rest of my life. (is it too early to want retirement at 29?) I want the luxury of opening my front door and being met by a gust of fresh mountain air with tall grass blowing in the open fields before me, and a clear blue glinting lake in the background. My children would run around and explore things that God has placed here for us to explore.
These thoughts bring me back to that first horrible experience of actually having to move to Idaho in the first place. It's not so horrible anymore. And I think there are a number of you, grateful for that wretched relocation as I am! It has formed relationships that have shaped who I am and made me realize what is important to me and what I want in this life.
That Idaho blood runs deeper than what some of us may want to believe at this time.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
This is who I am. This is where I came from.
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7 comments:
I hear ya. I am about done living in the city, and look forward to moving into the country somewhere and enjoying simpler pleasures. NYC will always have a special place in my heart, but I am a small town girl at heart too. Love ya!!
I loved reading this! Sometimes I wish I could write better...till then I'll enjoy others' words!
(and the 'new' family moving in was such an excitement for our small town-so glad you came)
"Rural" life isn't so bad, there are still places that you can breath without smoke or gas fumes. But you better hurry up on that retirement, only three months left before your 2nd 29 birthday.
Sarah- let's get houses near each other. That way we can have the best of both 'worlds'. Or at least reminisce once in awhile.
Adrie- I can only imagine what it was like for such a huge family to move into the area. But you were definitely one that softened the blows of high school after my "J&J phase". Remember?
Tom- thanks for jolting me back to reality with that bit of knowledge. And yes it will be my 2nd 29th b-day! YOU will be the first I notify when that time comes. Like always.
I am thankful for that relocation for sure!
I love the saying, "You can have roots and wings." It's so fitting.
Are you making an announcement?
If I say anything negative about living in the big city then I am sure to be ostracized. So I won't, my comments are about living in the Suburbs.
You can have the benefits of living the big city life from a distance. Danbury was like that - especially where Susan lived/s. Don't think you have to move away from city culture and experiences. I love my life in the suburbs and I die when I think about moving to a small town. When I moved Alison to rural MD I couldn't believe the culture shock she was to experience.
I guess what I mean to say is, be careful what you wish for and suburb life is a nice compromise from city life.
Well written Audrey. It's funny how what we want changes throughout life. That is a good thing though. I'd like to think that my desires are a bit more pure.
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