Keeping it Together

What better way to get back into blogging than to 'strip ones clothes and stand there naked and vulnerable'. Figuratively speaking, that is. Of course. But I wanted to share something that some may already know, but probably, most don't. And admitting is just as unpleasant as one would be, naked. If front of others. Maybe it'll desensitize me and I'll be cured!!!

So enough with the lame intro.

A few weeks back I was diagnosed with high Anxiety and deal with panic attacks:

 Surprise!!!!

I used to call it "Stress" and having "emotional breakdowns". Because what female didn't really!? Especially one who has lots of children (I do), lots of deadlines (I do), and expectations from others that need to be met . A memory the size of a pinhead (this is a HUGE concern of mine. Seriously!) And a house to keep running, cooking, cleaning, and animals to tend to. June Cleaver and Martha Stewart damn you for setting a bar so high no woman in existence has been able to reach that kid of perfection, stable-ly. I'm sure "Stress" is exactly what it was in the beginning, but it evolved into something ugly.

The physical aspect of these attacks, I've blamed on my sugar levels. I'm a self proclaimed hypoglycemic even after I had my blood tested and found that my glucose is right where it needs to be. My hands shake. Always have. Even as a young adolescent in junior high. Maybe even younger. Had the shaking tested too. Pretty much was told I inherited it and could be given anti seizure medication to "see if that helps" or just deal with it. I'm a dealer, so I deal. But then the heart pounding, headaches, dizziness and uncontrollable shaking (it can get really bad), can't all be blamed on sugar. And when those all come on instantly...kind of sucks. So I just go lay down and check out for the day.

There's still a lot to learn about this Anxiety thing. I don't know what the one event was that launched me into this new way of living. Wish I did. Otherwise you and I would not be here. And my blog would be sitting here collecting cyber dust just as it had before. But most likely over the years, small events culminated into this monster that follows me around everywhere I go. Obsessively thinking about CONSTANTLY! And I'm very serious...it is on my mind 24/7. I dream of the night that I will actually wake up feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and looking like my cute little spring chickens. But hey, I've accepted that may just not happen till I receive my "wings" and fly heavenward.